But what? I can pop a little happy pill and all my problems will go away? Nope. I'm depressed for a reason. Happiness needs to come from within me, but it isn't. That fountain is stopped up. Why?
Let's say it's a mixture of DNA, f***ed up childhood, possibly too much alcohol and tobacco use by my mom when she was pregnant with me, boredom and the constant stress of getting by on too little.
But what really tires me out is trying to live when I feel like I'm sleepwalking. Everything is an effort and when I was in therapy, she told me it was exhaustion from trying to function like everything is ok and normal when it isn't. Not at all.
Here is my biggest secret and what exhausts me...interacting with people. Generally I do it all wrong, and I feel like there's this game book that someone forgot to give me. Why am I writing this? Because if I accidentally say something that seems strange or totally the wrong thing to say...bear with me. I'm trying to play a game I don't understand.
I like people, I want to be friendly, have lots of friends, but I am painfully shy and overly polite. I think that I do better with online interaction because I can take a moment and think about what I am going to say, I can delete it and rework it as I see fit. Not so in real life, here I am writing this without a single adult person to reach out to and physically hang out with, go shopping with, talk to, or anything. My 2 best friends that I could lean on live in other towns, one in another state.
So, today I am trying to not feel depressed, lonely, stressed and self-critical.